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Posts Tagged ‘best_version_of_yourself’

“Get over it.” No one likes being told this. It’s best if you don’t hear this from your spouse; so, you can hear it here from us.

You undoubtedly have issues about the way your spouse handles some things. You have preferences that don’t get heeded, delegations that don’t get done, and ways you don’t see eye-to-eye. The list may be short or may be long. It may include things really important to you. We all have a list.

Although our lists differ greatly, one thing’s for sure: a list of what you don’t get, don’t have, and don’t get to do keeps you from seeing fully what you DO have and capitalizing on that. What you focus on grows in your awareness. And often times the beauty of the person and their company in our lives is missed because we focus on our list, and therefore not on their inherent value.

So, it’s time to get over it. Chuck the list. Or at least pick one thing this week that has really bugged you about him/her and make a choice to “get over it.”

So, they don’t enjoy the same shows or sports – get over it. So, they’re too picky about tidiness – get over it. So, they like strange music – get over it. So, she doesn’t cook like your mom – get over it. So, he leaves his socks on the floor – get over it!

Sure, there are deal-breakers in a relationship – but most of what we deal with isn’t more important by a very long shot, and we would simply do well to get over it.

Accept your spouse for who they are. Take a deep breath and let your preferences go. Let that expectation you’ve placed on him/her go. When you make a choice to focus on the value of what you have in front of you then your annoyances with them will pale in significance. The list of great things about your spouse and the myriad of ways they add quality to your life would grow, and that would be a good thing.

Pick one thing today, and get over it!

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In this series (see Part 1 and Part 2 here) we are outlining what qualities women are NOT after in a man. The purpose is to shed some light on your quest to be the best version of yourself for your wife’s sake by showing you which qualities you would do best to emphasize in your interactions with her. When a woman marries, she chooses and hopes for certain qualities. The problem is, it’s not always intuitive to a man what particular qualities his woman married him for and which ones he would do better to keep for use at work, with friends, or in the garage.

This post is about a certain quality that men often find themselves in a rut with. Picture the scenario in which you’ve been stressed at work, you have a friend going through a crisis and you’re overdue on some home projects. You need space and time: time to think, time to find some answers, and, hey, time to spend in your “nothing box” (a.k.a. the area of the male brain where literally nothing happens).

Your wife, however, is trying to connect with you and wants to know if you’re ok. You’re not sure you want to open up right now as this is risky. You want to hold back from sharing too much – you’re in an emotional holding pattern and want to stay there.

If you’re a married man reading this, you already heard the rest of the story. If you’re not familiar with this story… well, let’s just say it rarely has a happy ending. What’s with that? No man is really sure. But in falling into this trap something begins to become clear:

One quality she doesn’t want from you is silence.

You might pride yourself in being a rock. An island. Stoicism is maybe a quality that’s admired where you work. But the tendency to clam up and keep everyone and everything out, while you figure it out, is not something that she needs from you.

Connectivity, however, is. She wants you to speak willingly from where you’re at in thought and in heart. She needs you to need her to listen as you expound on the influencing factors of your life. Not in a surface sort of way, but to share your heart deeply with her.

This is why communication that’s honest and open is so important to her world. Connecting with your deep thoughts and dreams gives her perspective on your needs and how to meet them more effectively. And honestly, we want our wives to know us on increasingly deeper levels.

Of course, opening your heart when it’s not your habit to do so is much more difficult than retreating into yourself. Truly communicating your inner musings requires taking the trouble to find the vocabulary to share them. It’s about trust. It’s about shelving your quest for retreating into yourself long enough to consider how to be able to share your needs with your life’s partner. In her world, when she knows she has access to your heart, and she understands you, she’ll be the greatest defender of your need for time alone.

When it comes to your silence, she’s already had to live with enough of that. What she’s still waiting for your willingness and vulnerability to share your deep side. She needs to know you want her to know. Give her that quality.

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In this series (see Part 1 here) we are outlining what qualities women are NOT after in a man. The purpose is to shed some light on your quest to be the best version of yourself for your wife’s sake by showing you which qualities you would do best to emphasize in your interactions with her. When a woman marries, she chooses and hopes for certain qualities. The problem is, it’s not always intuitive to a man what particular qualities his woman married him for and which ones he would do better to keep for use at work, with friends, or in the garage.

There is a certain quality that most men find irresistible to display, but that most women don’t appreciate. Picture the scenario in which you’ve been confronted by her regarding something she believes you should have done differently. You find yourself justifying your behaviour and explaining the factors of the problem all the while realizing that she’s not agreeing with you. You back track and explain again. Still, she doesn’t change her point of view. You pull out a napkin and begin to illustrate. Still, nothing.

We’re sure you’re aware this yields some frustration on her part. If you’re a married man reading this, you know where this story usually goes. If you’re not familiar with this story… well, let’s just say it rarely has a happy ending. What’s with that? No man is really sure. But in falling into this trap something begins to become clear:

One quality she doesn’t want from you is defensiveness.

You might pride yourself in being able to dodge a bullet, deft at spinning an issue so as to highlight your superior reasoning abilities, and expert in your ability to justify your decisions. They might even pay you a lot for that at work. But you having the ability to provide multiple layers of reasons and explanations is not on her wish list.

Receptivity, however, is. She wants you simply to listen – to resist expounding the reasons that explain yourself – and hear things from her perspective. Not a patronizing acknowledgement, but to actually use the scenario to share in what she’s going through or how she sees the issue.

This is why communication that’s honest and open is so important to her world. She lives and breathes on the level of relational understanding, which requires receptivity to thrive. This goes beyond just hearing her out, or paying lip service to her suggestions (the proverbial, “Yes, dear”). It involves valuing her input and perspective – she needs to know you are hearing her and taking her seriously.

Of course, seeing an issue from her point of view is much more difficult than defending yourself. Truly hearing her requires taking care not to interrupt and justify as you preserve and protect your own pride. It’s about “the Golden Rule” in our conversation. In her world, it’s only after she knows you have considered her insight that she can be open to hearing your “superior reasonings.”

When it comes to your defenses, she actually already knows those – it’s her focus in life to make generous explanations about your behavior. What she doesn’t know is that you are ready to hear and empathize with her side, that you appreciate the lens she sees your world through enough to want to do something about it. Give her that quality.

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When a woman marries, she chooses and hopes for certain qualities. The problem is, it’s not always intuitive to a man what particular qualities his woman married him for and which ones he would do better to keep for use at work, with friends, or in the garage. By outlining what qualities women aren’t after in a man, and showing their alternatives, this series will shed some light on your quest to be the best version of yourself for her sake.

Let’s start with a great quality all men exhibit, particularly when it comes to those they love and care for. Picture the scenario in which a man has listened to his better half vent emotionally about an upsetting problem. After hearing her out for a few minutes he sees the root of the issue and offers an obvious but brilliant and practical solution.

If you’re a married man reading this, you know the rest of the story. If you’re not familiar with this story… well, let’s just say it rarely has a happy ending. What’s with that? No man is really sure. But in falling into this trap something begins to become clear:

One quality she doesn’t want from you is the ability to provide rapid-fire solutions and knee-jerk answers.

You might pride yourself in being right, in being a problem solver, and seeing things logically. They might even pay you a lot for that at work. But this quality is just not on her top three list of qualities she married you for.

Understanding, however, is. She wants you to understand her. And not just intellectually, but to be with her where she is at, deeply and emotionally, and share in what she’s going through.

This is why communication that’s honest and open is so important to her world. She needs to know you understand; and even draw out how she feels. This goes beyond understanding a conversation, or being on the same page about something. It involves understanding her as a person – she needs to know you “get” her, and love her: her weaknesses and strengths, her struggles and triumphs.

Interestingly, understanding is a more difficult than providing solutions. Understanding requires coming side by side to observe something in all its messiness, its insignificance or its magnitude through another’s eyes. It’s about care. This means shelving your quest for a solution long enough to feel what she feels, and to feel it strongly enough to say something meaningful in order to prove to her she’s not alone, and worth your full attention.

When it comes to solutions, she actually knows those. What she doesn’t know is that you care enough to understand, for understanding is what empowers her to make her own decisions. Give her that quality.

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