You Know What They Say

People’s experience and cultural norms merge together and gain a voice, affectionately known as “They Say…” People accept these truisms, live from them and, sometimes, find them to be true. However when it comes to marriage and relationships, we advocate a counter-cultural approach.

What if your dreams about love could come true, and not what “they say”? For example,

1. They say: “Sex, money, kids and religion are the scenes of the most arguments in a relationship. Beware.” What we believe about these subjects is central to who we are as individuals. What we feel about them and how we express those feelings are embedded in the core of our identity. Hence, discussing these topics requires the most vulnerability, trust and understanding. So when we do what it takes to develop that trust, understanding and vulnerability,

Then we say: “Sex, money, kids and religion can be the scenes of the most fulfilling and enriching conversations available. Enjoy!”

2. They say: “Just wait a few years, that kind of affection and tenderness towards each other will wear off.” People’s experience has led them to believe there is a honeymoon phase in a relationship and a subsequent decline as reality sets in. However, what “sets in” is a result of what was sown into the relationship, not the result of an unavoidable relational dynamic. So when we take the time to invest affection and tenderness into our relationship today,

Then we say: “Just wait a few years, and WHATEVER you’re sowing into the relationship now, you will be reaping.”

3. They say: “It takes two to work on a relationship.” Usually said of a relationship in trouble, this is often based on an excuse, “If he/she isn’t willing then what hope do I have in trying?” In reality, what one person does in a relationship has a dramatic effect on the other. It maybe a harder road to hoe, but when promise to do whatever it takes in good times and in bad,

Then we say: “No matter what, lead your marriage. Lead yourself to become the best version of yourself for the sake of the other person, and he/she is bound to follow. And even if not, you’re the better for it.”

Of course, all this “they say / we say” commentary is more or less irrelevant to your experience in love. Really, the only question that matters from here is, “What are you going to say?”

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14 Days of Valentine’s: Part 3 of 3

Valentine’s Day, our favourite holiday, is fast approaching. You might be thinking about what you can do or give to your husband or wife already, or maybe you’re saying, “What? Already? Where does a year go?”

Valentine’s Day is all about romance, and wooing your sweetheart. There are the traditional methods of flowers, chocolates and a dinner out, but we’d like to provide some more “creative” ways to say Happy Valentine’s Day, for the first 14 days of February.

Here’s the last of our list. (See part 1 and part 2 here.) All of them are very simple to do, but some ideas may require more planning than others. Enjoy!

On the eleventh day of Valentine’s, my true love gave to me…
Watch the sunrise together. Find a great lookout, take along your favourite morning beverage, and enjoy. Perhaps stop for breakfast on the way home to give your spouse’s day a great beginning.

On the twelfth day of Valentine’s, my true love gave to me…
Be a concierge for a day! Take a day to be at your spouse’s beck and call. This could mean being the chauffeur, picking up some needed groceries, making some phone calls or needed reservations on their behalf, and perhaps end the day by preparing a hot bubble bath. Whatever it is, pamper your spouse to let them know they’re worth it.

On the thirteenth day of Valentine’s, my true love gave to me…
Take an online personality test with your spouse and compare your results. Here are a couple of free suggestions:
The 5 Love Languages, by Dr. Gary Chapman. This test helps you discover how you express and interpret love. It’s different for each of us, sometimes especially so in marriage!
Out of Service, by Jeff Potter, has a number of personality tests. Find one that interests you, or try “The Big 5” test.
Jung Typology/Humanetrics This test is based on Carl Jung and Isabel Briggs Myers typological approach. Be sure to click on your “type description” after you “score” your test results.
After you take a test or two, reflect on how the combination of your personalities contributes to your relationship.

On the fourteenth day of Valentine’s, my true love gave to me…
Re-establish your favourite Valentine’s Day tradition, whether it be chocolates, flowers or a special dinner together. And take some time to get feedback on this Valentine’s season. What did they enjoy, what surprised them the most, and what didn’t really hit the mark? End your feedback session and reaffirm how much you love Valentine by saying, “Just wait until next year!”

We hope you enjoyed our list! May it inspire you to start a new tradition and celebrate the 14 Days of Valentine’s every year with your spouse. Let us know what ideas you try and how they worked for you in the comments below.

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14 Days of Valentine’s: Part 2 of 3

Valentine’s Day, our favourite holiday, is fast approaching. You might be thinking about what you can do or give to your husband or wife already, or maybe you’re saying, “What? Already? Where does a year go?”

Valentine’s Day is all about romance, and wooing your sweetheart. There are the traditional methods of flowers, chocolates and a dinner out, but we’d like to provide some more “creative” ways to say Happy Valentine’s Day, for the first 14 days of February.

Here’s part 2 of our list. (See part 1 here.) Ideas are in no particular order, but some ideas require more planning than others. Enjoy!

On the sixth day of Valentine’s, my true love gave to me…
Give the gift of “I love you because…” Write them a note that you’ll be sharing a multitude of reasons why you love your spouse today, and then proceed to do it. Try to give a new reason to begin each new interaction with them throughout the day. We recommend brainstorming a list of a few ideas, because you might just find your sweetheart looking for excuses to call or interact with you!

On the seventh day of Valentine’s, my true love gave to me…
Try a walk together. Find a nice park or pathway to stroll along, hand-in-hand. Try geocaching or letterboxing if that is something you would both enjoy. End your walk by thanking your spouse for the time you spent together and share what made it meaningful to you.

On the eighth day of Valentine’s, my true love gave to me…
Give your spouse a loving massage. Watch a YouTube video on how to give a scalp massage, a foot massage or a back massage. Then try out what you’ve learned on your spouse. Massage is a very personal thing, so make sure you know if your spouse likes light touches, a deep muscle rub, etc. and then indulge them accordingly.

On the ninth day of Valentine’s, my true love gave to me…
Shoulder your spouse’s load today. Take care of their home responsibilities, whether it means taking care of the evening meal, doing the dishes or a load of laundry, or bathing the kids. Let them watch their favourite tv show or curl up with a good book while you handle it all for them.

On the tenth day of Valentine’s, my true love gave to me…
Try on some new lingerie, or a new pair of sexy panties, boxers or briefs. Whisper your secret in your spouse’s ear in the morning, letting them know the time of the unveiling. Again, build the anticipation for a great surprise!

To be concluded tomorrow…!

We’d love to hear from you! Let us know what ideas you try and how they worked for you in the comments below.

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14 Days of Valentine’s: Part 1 of 3

Valentine’s Day, our favourite holiday, is fast approaching. You might be thinking about what you can do or give to your husband or wife already, or maybe you’re saying, “What? Already? Where does a year go?”

Valentine’s Day is all about romance, and wooing your sweetheart. There are the traditional methods of flowers, chocolates and a dinner out, but we’d like to provide some more “creative” ways to say Happy Valentine’s Day, for the first 14 days of February.

Here’s our list, in no particular order. All of them are very simple to do, but some ideas may require more planning than others. Enjoy!

On the first day of Valentine’s, my true love gave to me…
The gift of intention. State your intention to make this Valentine’s more special than you ever have before. Write them a little note for them to read before they go to bed, or just tell them over your evening coffee. Remind them they’re worth it, and they’re in for a Valentine’s like no other. You’re building anticipation for a nice surprise heading their way.

On the second day of Valentine’s, my true love gave to me…
There’s nothing more connecting than a long, gentle kiss, or and lengthy, affectionate embrace. Try both! When you greet your spouse after your work or her work today, do so with a kiss. Count to 10 in your head before you break the connection. Follow up the kiss with a long hug until you can feel your spouse relax in your arms. The best thing is the connection you make will last the rest of the day.

On the third day of Valentine’s, my true love gave to me…
Buy a package of small post-it notes, and write something on each one. Write small phrases like, “I love you,” “My sweetheart,” “You are beautiful/amazing,” a drawn heart, and the like. Post them everywhere your spouse might go throughout the day – the bathroom mirror, inside cupboard doors, on the steering wheel, beside light switches, everywhere! The entire day will remind them of your love, and make them smile.

On the fourth day of Valentine’s, my true love gave to me…
A good gift is a combination of something that’s wanted, and something that’s needed. Try it today. Does your spouse need something from a cosmetics store? Or is it black socks or nylons? Or do they need a new book or journal? Get them they’re favourite brand, or the slightly more expensive version that your mate may have always wanted. Knowing what they need shows your thoughtfulness.

On the fifth day of Valentine’s, my true love gave to me…
When was the last time you went for a coffee with your spouse? Take an hour (or two!) and visit your favourite tea or coffee shop, or try a local shop that’s new to both of you. Spend some time just sipping and visiting.

To be continued tomorrow…!

We’d love to hear from you! Let us know what ideas you try and how they worked for you in the comments below.

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You’re Missing the Point!

So, you have read our posts (post #1 and post #2) on becoming the best version of yourself for the sake of your spouse but you may be thinking, “You’re missing the point, s/he is the one that needs to change, not me!”

If this is you, your spouse is probably putting undue pressure on you by the way they act. You’re undoubtedly right in that it’s unfair (“I didn’t sign up for this!”), you’re right that you are worth more than their behavior communicates to you, and you may even be right that between the two of you they have the most glaring faults.

However the practice of becoming the best version of yourself is STILL the answer to YOUR situation. It’s honestly the best option, and a very powerful one.

Here’s why… Your spouse is likely a well-intentioned human being that has difficulty in being the best s/he could be in certain areas, despite how much they desire to be and do better (kinda sounds like you and I, incidentally). But it is human nature to want to please the ones you are closest to. It is most likely they already know their errors and desperately want to change. They’re just looking for a chance.

This is where you come in. Create a vacuum: aggressively show your mate how YOU are changing deep and significant aspects of YOU, becoming the best version of yourself for THEM. This almost always creates an upward cycle of change and improvement in the relationship, as love always wants to respond to initiative.

Set the bar high for yourself and don’t say anything about them. Demonstrate your character and courage. The lure to join you in improving themselves for your sake will become almost irresistible.

The upward focus you will create is the exact opposite of what happens when you both point fingers and blame. The downward spiral of accusation and resistance to personal change happens when both partners come under attack, get defensive, dig in their heels and place the blame on the one they committed to love. The cycle of blame and the cycle of positive change both have tremendous pull and gravity in a relationship, and they both begin by a single choice.

Make a choice to change you. Love will see that your spouse will follow, because this commitment to be the best version of yourself really is for their sake.

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Pressure Points: You’re on the Same Side

It’s natural for changes and challenges to come your way over your years together: kids, careers and income, where you live, what you drive, favourite shows, friends and family, even your personalities, your hopes and fears, and how you like your coffee.  It all changes and shifts as you grow and as life brings you various challenges and joys. 
 
But one thing isn’t meant to change. You’re in it together, on the same side. You are meant to face life – fighting it through, laughing, crying, figuring it out – hand in hand.  No matter what life throws you, marriage means you’re automatically and permanently on the same side.
 
To pre-decide this is wise. That’s what great pre-marriage coaching would encourage, and what the vows are all about.  To refresh this stance, is a great date conversation: “Honey, everything seems to be going great in our lives right now, I’m really happy, but I want you to know that whatever life brings us, you won’t be alone, it’ll make us stronger”.  
 
But here’s what’s essential: in the midst of a “worse” season, cement the resolve of this commitment, real-time. Speak this “together forever” commitment when it counts the most and you feel like it the least. Don’t let the pressures of life separate you or get you acting against each other.

You see, a difficult season WILL change your marriage one way or another, so resolve to be closer after the difficult season, not further apart.  Refuse to close your heart and tough it out alone.  Besides, the pressure you are under is a gift in disguise: it’s the ONLY thing that can cause your commitment together to grow in strength. 
 
So choose it deep in your heart. Speak like it. Act like it. Ask for forgiveness when you don’t. The beauty of your relationship is that you have the opportunity to face life with someone who is permanently with you. You’re not alone regardless of what your experience or fears may have taught you. Take the time to underscore this camaraderie, to revel in its luxury, and to create a win in life that you can share and tell stories about someday.
 
There’s one thing that all the changes and challenges in life don’t have to take away: Your togetherness.

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Where Love Starts

Falling in (or out) of love seems so beyond our control. But in all reality, the beginning of love does not start when you fall into it. The initial stages begin prior to that in the preparation and willingness of your own heart.

Think back. Whether you pursued love, or it found you, finding yourself “in love” with someone was preceded by what your heart went through in order to be ready for it.

You can’t land a plane without a runway and you can’t make a cake without the ingredients. So, too, you can’t fall in love without the stage set in your own heart. That’s why you can meet someone one time and nothing happen, and a few years later meet them again and fall in love with them. (This is also why some single people don’t “have love happen to them” even though they may want it – they believe the initial stage is falling, when really they must be ready, internally, to fall in love.)

This realization has a huge ramification for long-term relationships. If we think that love starts with passion and excitement, but then inevitably mellows and remains at an average level for the long-term, we lose the hope of staying in love.

But if we realize the first stage was never the “falling,” instead it was being ready and willing to fall, then staying in love is entirely within our capability. We simply need to stay ready and willing!

Perhaps falling in love is not about fate, being perfect, about the other person noticing, or about the music and the stars. Perhaps falling deeper in love is about looking inward and preparing the same willingness, openness, interest and acceptance as we did before. Of course this doesn’t make staying in love easy, especially if you get hurt along the way, but it does makes falling deeper in love within our control.

Keep preparing your heart. Stay willing to fall deeper in love. Pursue continuing the process and you’ll be ready to fall more deeply in love than you could ever hope.

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Real Love

Remember when you started your current job? You probably had every intention of showing up each day to do real work.

But you probably soon realized that in working for an organization, it is relatively easy to get away with low productivity. In fact many work environments don’t actually require you to produce brilliant or creative work consistently – you can merely start, punch the keys, fill out the reports, go through the motions, smile, look busy in the right places, and all seemingly goes well.

Sure, there are times when you have to produce “real work” – like during the month of staff evaluations, or close to a deadline or to make an impression. These are times when you actually do the real work they pay you for – the times that make or break your contribution with that employer.

When we do real work, we put our heart and soul into it. We are taking a risk, because our “work” could be rejected, and our futures altered for good or bad. But maybe you never have to do real work in your job, and the work environment just keeps rewarding you… for a while anyway.

The scarce nature of real work is the same in another environment: marriage. Only here exchange “real love” for “real work.”

It’s true. For many days, maybe years, we can go through the motions, and smile in the right places and play the politics. Just making sure the role is filled and the garbage taken out, laundry done, and the in-laws smiled at is enough to keep any lack of real love under the radar.

Sure, there are times when we need to produce something real, like on anniversaries, birthdays, or at times when our spouse is in need. Then we step out and put our heart and soul into showing our love.

And when we do, we risk getting that love accepted or rejected. Our futures will be altered, for better or for worse. Or maybe you never have to show real love in your marriage, and somehow it keeps rewarding you… for a while, anyway.

Let me ask the question: Why not do the real work of marriage every day? Why simply go through the motions? Make the choice to do what you signed up for in the first place: real love.

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